JOURNEY

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.
So... stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, or until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

FISHERY FRIENDS

In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
In primary 1 your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the toilet with you as you walked through the scary halls.
In primary 2 your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you cheat in homework.
In primary 3 your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their snacks with you.
In primary 4 your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to help you do your homework.
In primary 5 your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the bus for you.
In primary 6 your idea of a friend was the person who went up to your crush, and asked her to talk with you, so that if she said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
In secondary 1 your idea of a friend was the person who always knew what you wanted during recess.
In secondary 2 your idea of a good friend was the person who sat beside you on a bus and listened to your angry rants about having a strict curfew.
In secondary 3 your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you to that "cool" party so you wouldn't wind up being the only fisherman there.
In secondary 4 your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit and study with at McDonalds or the airport.
In poly year 1 your idea of a good friend was the person who sat with you in the canteen looking at year 1 girls walking by.
In the first 3 months of army your idea of a good friend was the person who ran with you and made sure that you got to go home every weekend.
In the final year of army your idea of good friends were the people who gave you a sense of new found freedom when you went out with them.
In early poly years (again...haha) your idea of good friends were the people who went out of their way to come over and re assure you that you would make it in life as well as you had these past three years.
And finally during those last days of being in poly, your idea of good friends hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at three years of memories you were leaving behind.

Now, your idea of a good friend(s) is still the person who -

Gives you the better of the two choices.
Holds your hand when you're scared.
Helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you.
Thinks of you at times when you are not there.
Reminds you of what you have forgotten.
Helps you put the past behind you but understands
when you need to hold on to it a little longer.
Stays with you so that you have confidence.
Goes out of their way to make time for you.
Helps you clear up your mistakes.
Helps you deal with pressure from others.
Smiles for you when you are sad.
Helps you become a better person.
However most importantly never forgets you!

peace with the inner fiend in the mirror

a woman is like a diamond - she has to be cut to be beautiful.not hollywood beautiful, just look closer to home. mother. you'll agree that self sacrifice and suffering do somehow transfigure a woman and make her more beautiful. but when i first heard this expression, it was not the discussion of anything vaguely related to some shit like world peace or procreation. the person i heard talking, with a hint of irritation and defiance, was going on about plastic surgery.

the conversation went something like that - " i looked like a monster you know! it's like i was born with an 'F' on my beauty card. So what if i secretly wrote a 'D' over it?" demanded this woman. "some women are so ready to judge us because they feel like we're cheated. but you didn't know this: i cut through my own skin and bone, without resorting to magic tricks to become BEAUTIFUL!"

ok so this vain old auntie ( not the school auntie) goes on and on about being beautiful. but i felt something else. before you go saying that the auntie was just plain obsessed, tell me this: have you ever felt ugly before? have you ever looked in the mirror only to find a fiend staring back? i have. sometimes, for the longest time, i was convinced that i was one of the ugliest human beings ever to roam the earth. i had crooked teeth, my nose looked like what you would find in a kway chap bowl and my skin was so rough an ant would simply trip and fall while walking over it. i was a fiend.

if you ask me now what it was like to feel ugly, i'd say it's the most self effacing experience in the world. i would avoid looking into mirrors and places with reflective surfaces. i developed an allergic reaction to the camera because i did not want to leave any evidence behind. i almost totally avoided people.

last time, cosmetic enhancement was the reality for people in hollywood and korea. all i could do was maintain my self enforced exile, soaking in my own misery until i found a new bowl of misery to jump into.

today, everything can be fixed, for a bit of money. the average joe and jane can make a date with the surgeon and emerge looking like a million dollars. i think that our decade now holds the record for the most aesthetic procedures ever done.

this whole thing circles back to the conversation of that vain middle aged auntie. why would women cut themselves up? men sometimes but the topic was about a vain auntie first.

i thought about this issue, and last night, i looked at all the beautiful women backstage. i wondered if 20 years down the road, would any of them really step into the dark side? some have aged gracefully, the others are vibrant with youth, sparking intensely and lighting up the stage with their infinite amounts of charm. but this is all superficial. it's like the old saying - don't judge a book by its cover.

is this plastic movement a quest to find the other fabled counterpart? a partner of equal beauty but zero character? an apple ripe on the outside but rotten at the core?

NO! why? because if you gave me the best surgeons in the world and stylists - God Forbid! - i'm never going to take that route. i'm going to say the most damning thing just to get it out of the way - i love my kway chap ingredient nose, the hairs in it. i like my lopsided eyelids and i love my big face very much! i adore my high pitched 'GO LA! GO LA!' voice to bits. it sounds so sweet to the ears that listening to it excessively will give you diabetes. and if you think that's disgusting, i don't care man.

that being said, if you're still hell bent on following in the footsteps of that vain auntie due to the advancement of medical science to make up for nature's sloppiness, i won't presume to judge you either. i would rather have an apple core than a really red apple which is swollen with with maggots as a friend. all i have to say is this - at some point, all this is going to stop. you have to make peace with the fiend in the mirror. the truth has always been in the mirror since the day you first looked in it. and you're going to have to say "well, this IS me."
i know, because i have.

time

time passes really fast. really. im old. i feel old. i look old. no la those are just words of self pity. im handsome. im muscular. im tall. haha now i feel better. so i'll write something with more sense.

but really, time passes fast. the other week someone had her birthday. today, a fisher had his birthday. he was so happy with the present we got for him that he rushed home to enjoy it instead of having dinner with us.

i used to think that blogs were a waste of time. in year one, i did not even know what a blog was! wah lau, a real mountain uncle. yah, auntie you are right. i am an uncle. there are lots of things that i want to do. later then i say about those things again. im just typing now because i dont have any ideas for a piece of work now. the world is really spinning too fast man. soon, all these friends that i know will be enlisted and the othes will go off to work. contacts will be lost. why? i seem childish. some will say, in life you lose friends and make new ones. yah its true. i felt sad when i left primary school. those were some of the best years of my little life then. secondary school life was the worst phase of my life. in my previous i wrote about posers. i was one too, way back in secondary school. in a group of people, we seemed tough. invincible. until one incident made me realise what a real chicken shit i was at that time. everyone around me was affected. how affected? very affected. then the army called and i had to obey brother lee's law. in there, i really understood brotherhood. there was a code of honour. wah i talk like im in some gang, got code of honour some more. actually its got one la, but not to the extent of code of honor. i just adding those words for some seh only. you read also you laugh right?but brotherhood was real. it lasted almost 2 years with those brothers. you watch my back and i watch yours.that was a real experience. now i hear pre enlistes saying they want to fake an injury to escape the hardship? if you truly have this attitude, i feel sorry. anyway, those brothers are married with kids now and im still in school. so that proves im young! yay! poly life is also geat. tho it has not come to an end yet, it soon will. i made fisher friends here in poly. recently added some fishtresses to that list too. wah, i have typed so much already. better log off cos hamster at the top is getting real tired. let him eat his corn in peace.

WAH! THIS BLOG CAN AUTO SAVE WHAT I JUST WROTE! wah lau, i fell asleep and this page is still here 1 hr later. wah im really an uncle man. now type also can fall asleep. ok now i will post it!

i heard something today. something said by a person. this mirrors exactly what i heard a few months ago from another person. now it makes me wonder. is it better to be a little more of a bastard than who i am now? these people really hit the spot when they said that i am an idiot.
i really think so too. i sound emo, but im not emo. i just think that this is really confusing.

on one hand, the cards say that i should be who i am. am i helping people so that they wont get angry with me if i cross them in any way? is this a way to cover my backside?

the other deck of cards say that i should be a bastard sometimes. i see people in need of help and should i help them? no, cos others will see this as an opportunity and make use of me.

its so hard to see through the words that these people have told me. i sometimes really want to help to the best of my extent but if there is nothing i can do i will say i cant. super confusing, im killing my brain cells over this. its hard being human. maybe i should ask hamster what all this means. hamster is only a picture. he cant answer me except make he see how ridiculously cute he is chewing on that grain of corn.

nevermind, i think i'll take the alternative route and be more of the latter.
see how it goes.

before i forget, happy birthday to my friend, an old lady who just celebrated her 61st birthday.
happy birthday for 2008 and beyond!

LEOTARDS! Shread them la...

As the questions arise and the solutions beg no answers, that is where HAMSTER steps in.

Questions…..

Going to the gym is a good thing. It’s a good place to make friends but how many of us men go there to socialize? It’s the basketballs and volleyballs that we want to see unwrapped from their oh-too-tightly-bound covers. Bouncy and jiggly. Apple big big apple small small apple many sizes….Apple big big juicy juicy apple small small useless.

But as usual, There are distractions.

Some people go to the gym to annoy others. Their sole purpose in life is to annoy gym users with their constant bravery babble about which girl to conquer and which part of the body to tattoo. They talk like they own the law too. These medal of honour soldiers talk tough and look tough. Really? Come on man, it’s highly embarrassing to be caught with your pants down, but hey! YOU WERE GETTING IT ON WHEN YOU GOT CAUGHT! Instead, these puberty deprived steroid devourers go on and on about it. Truth is, it’s really scary to be involved in a police case, no matter how minor the case may seem. And while talking, they are busy flexing in front of the mirrors! Make up your minds you bravehearts. Do you want to conquer muff valley or just force your nipples through your singlets?

Another thing that annoys us are the branded people. These people go to a gym, yes, and all they do is stand in model poses while clad in the latest sports apparel. Huh? If you sport the look and build of Arnold Schwarzenegger, ok I shut up. But hey, face reality guys, you weigh little more than the hamster at the top of my blog. These anorexic people also crowd round the free weights section and always take on the heaviest of weights….don’t show off this way guys. Want to show off strength? Both mental and physical? Go make love to a pig that I know. After that session, if you get through it, I bow to you.

People….Red hairs especially…..not all, just some rotten eggs….

How come we are taught not to hate other races in school, but assholes from a country of presumably higher standards of education can do the opposite? Is there a thrill in taping a poor old man on video and making a big joke about it? Is it a triumph to laugh at old people? Not only do the red hairs do that, local people do that too. Why? Won’t you grow old too one day? For the three red hairs that did this, hooray yippie fucking do! You’re winners in your own context! “We were insensitive. Bullies? No!” NOT A BULLY?? Then why pick on an old man? Why not try this with local people along Geylang? You’re red hairs, you’ve got good genes which make you tower above everyone. Why pick on an old man making an honest living?

I really can’t stand it when foreigners come here and try to act like gods even though they are the minority. To bully a helpless old man and run off after not paying a cent is really pushing it. And there were 3 of you against him…yah, you’re heroes!

And the answers……

Completely no link……leotards are for FRENCH ARISTOCRATIC LOVING TWO FACED FAGGOTS and PIGS WITH FLAPS OF FATS FOR EYELIDS AND BAD STAMINA. Nobody likes them, everyone hates them.

Don’t wear leotards.

one fast car, 3 stupid people

just zoomed past me. even i try to catch up and see him also no use.

A story about the longevity threesome

life is short, enjoy it to the max. yah some people really take that phrase to heart man. lunch also want to eat 2 hours. why so long?. cos they want to enjoy life to the max! eat every grain of rice, drink every drop of soup.....maybe they want to make up for past wrong doings so they go about taking 1hr to order food.

a normal order goes like this
ME - auntie! chicken chop add egg.
Auntie - OK. eating here or ta bao?
Me -eat here.
conversation ends and auntie serves me the food. i walk away.

for the 3 people who want to live life to the max, an order goes like this -

LONGEVITY THREESOME - auntie, how are you? did you shit this morning? was it hard or soft? what colour? how you wash backside after that? use hose splash water or use toilet paper? after that got flush the shit down the toilet? blah blah blah

AUNTIE - eh....
so the longevity threesome goes about asking everything from why the earth is round to why a camera must have a battery in it to work BEFORE placing orders for 3 chicken chops.

Some people will ask why i'm writing this......Yah i tell you it's no fun waiting almost 3 hours for just a camera. and when you're hungry and pissed, nothing angers you more when you see 3 fully fed people stroll into the room. and they ask me, '' WAH YOU SO FAST?"
ok maybe i must learn to enjoy life to the fullest, but i'm not a uncle yet. i dont have a belly and my hair isnt white. i dont have erectile dysfunction and i sure as hell dont have to get up every half hour at night to piss.

so here's a life lesson. its ok to be pissed. some people fully deserve the wrath of our anger. but as people lower down the pecking order, we cant do a lot. if we raise our voices, one complain letter and we're fished.

so take a deep breath and say these words whenever your pissed -

HOUGANG, CANING, TAKE CUP/TAKE CLOTH, SMELLY, CHEESE PIE, LONG JOHN. LIFE JOURNAL.

BREAK THE PENCILS!, HIDE THE PAPER CLIPS AND STEAL THE MAGNETISM FROM THAT STUPID MAGNET!

RETARDED PEDESTRIANS, Posers and fake-uers, Skanks, Tarts and chicken pies

RETARDED PEDESTRIANS
Walking is healthy. In fact, I remembered not too long ago there was this keep fit campaign that told you to alight one bus stop earlier and walk home from there. This was supposed to promote walking as a healthy alternate way to keep fit. Ok, I did it. And I walked damn far too….just to keep fit and loose a few pounds. I crossed many roads to get home, jay walking across them many times. So did the aunties, uncles, school kids, maids, laborers, barbers, cats, dogs and even the handicapped bird. They all did it, causing other drivers to brake suddenly and swerve to avoid them. Last time I swore revenge at any driver who honked at me while I jay walked.

Now I perfectly understand it. Jaywalking is a way of life here for many Singaporeans. People jaywalk to see their girlfriends, go jogging and even to pick up that 10 cent coin across the road. The thing is, these jaywalkers are retards. Some jaywalk a mere 10 meters away from a zebra crossing. Seems like if babies had the strength in their arms, they would push their own prams across the road.

Heck care granny and the maid they say. Let’s learn to jay walk before I can even crawl they say!

Jay walkers are road hazards. There should be a law to jail and cane them for jay walking. Why? These ignorant retards simply cross with little regard, tempting fate and causing grief for other drivers. It’s fine if they have no care for their lives and want to end it quick, but think of the drivers who have to constantly be on the look out for these kamikaze pedestrians. Once drivers hit them, they claim everything from a chipped toenail to a lost strand of hair! Touch wood, if there is a fatality, who gets the blame? Even if the deceased had jay walked and this led to his/her death, the driver would be at fault for not keeping an eye out for the retards. The driver has to accept responsibility, live with regret and remorse and PAY for that idiot’s funeral? Feed that corpse to the pigs man! That retard deserved it! He/she wanted to tempt fate, so that day, fate won. What’s wrong with that?

Like what I said above about fatties, these porkers are slow on their feet due to the massive weight that they are. And yet they insist on jay walking, lumbering across 3 lane roads. Just drive along Orchard Road, see what I mean. These fatties could not even run to save their lives, what makes them think they can react fast enough to oncoming traffic. Unless they are built tough as tanks, I have nothing to say.

Posers and fake-uers

I support Liverpool. I own the jerseys. I don’t print players’ names behind it. I drive my family car. It’s a Subaru. I don’t make it out to be another brand. I am born in Singapore. I think most of us are too. I speak with a local slang, proudly filled with Singlish, with a capital ‘S’. Yah I’m proud of what I am and own. It used to be this way. Now, posers and fakers are popping up everywhere. Over the phone, you don’t know if you’re speaking to either a Caucasian, an African, or an Asian. Most people I’ve seen think the white skinned people are gods and their blood is blue. So true, sadly oh so true. At restaurants, the waiter with yellow skin, slit eyes and jet black hair asks if you’d like another glass of water, with an accent that sends chills down your spine. You shiver, questioning and pinching yourself. Is this a dream, are you in a Caucasian filled country? NO! reality bites and that waiter in front of you is just trying to sound high class. He obviously is ashamed of his own race, so he seeks to find acceptance by imitating other races. If he’s too poor for plastic surgery, all he can do is try and fake an ang moh accent. Hey, it’s free. So why not. I don’t get it. Are the ang mohs really above us? Even they get better treatment on board flights. It happens too, at shops. Asian shop keepers at Orchard road would rather tend to that albino couple first than face our ugly Asian faces. Go figure. Will people really look up to you more if you speak with an ang moh accent? Some vomit a whole speech of errors while trying to get your attention. I just feel sorry for the ethically confused person and stand there entertaining him, just to see if that person will finally find his true ethical roots. Not only that, posers are on the roads too. They drive family oriented cars and make them out to be rally bred road warriors.

Skanks, Tarts and chicken pies

Short skirts. Tube tops. All neon coloured. Super tight too. Fishnet stockings with 5 inch wedges? Look around. The youth community is flooded with these tarts. Or wannabe tarts. Either way, sweet young things known as little prepubescent girls just out of primary school are dressing as if the whole of Singapore was Geylang. They do this not only at night my friend. During 9-5 working hours, they appear out of nowhere, cat walking with a juggle in their skinny butts. Yah, if they had J-Lo’s ass of course, jiggle for all I care, if you’ve got it, flaunt it I say. Benefits the other sex of the Homo Sapiensm right? And what’s with the tube tops you pre puberty chicken pies? Face reality, you are not wearing that tube to its full potential. Save up or ask daddy for some money yah? But don’t bother Dr Woffles Wu lah….he’s busy injecting some self denying celebrity with botox. An alternative? Go to Bangkok and do it. The exchange rate’s pretty low now I think.
The only thing that’s keeping your tube from slipping off are your nipples. What’s up with that Mean Girls attitude too? Do skanks of the same undies flock together? The only thing you nymphomaniacs are doing is give more lau tikos more of an excuse to play chess at HDB void decks. The make up you lay on your face is as thick as cement you know! Clash into a wall and the make up cracks off, exposing your pimpled face. Yah, if you girls already have a pimple factory manufacturing pimple beards for you, what’s the use of covering it up? Be proud! Go round your estate without make up. The pimple factory needs air to work too you know. So quit making it work even harder! Go see a doctor or change your diets…..no wait, you people don’t even have diets. Your daily diet comprises a grain of rice for breakfast, a drop of gravy for lunch and a strand of noodles for dinner. You’re sick you anorexic freaks! First the skimpy clothes, then the ton of make up and finally, this eating disorder? YOU SICK SKINNY FREAKS!

FATTIES, UGLY 50+ AUNTIES, HYPOCRITIC CAT FEEDERS AND RETARDED JAY WALKERS.
These people make up the population of Singapore. If not for them, would your life be as exciting as it is now?

Without these people, would there be laughter in our lives? In the end, we need people like these to make fun of to pass time and let little kids decide who they want to be when they grow up.

Admit it, you laughed while reading it didn’t you. So you sinned too. It’s ok. Being happy is all that matters. Lots of people look at these otherworldly weight gainers and dressers and have good chuckle to themselves to relieve the stress of living and working in Singapore.

^THAT REALLY IS A

SCARY LOOKING SACK OF SHIT!