FATTIES

There are fatties all around us. In the gym, at school, hell, it’s the invasion of the fatties. Yes people, the time has come for the whole world to experience a new type of order – New Fat Order. There was a time when being a fatty was considered royalty. Yes, royalty. Look up Wikipedia on the old kings and queens of Victorian England and you’ll see. Sacks of fat called kings and queens. Ok, so last time, health and nutrition never mixed. Fat parties and mass orgies did. That’s excusable. The people of that time were uncivilized barbarians who saw justice by imprisoning the poor and feeding the already filthy rich.

Fast forward to 2007. At least everyone is or has some form of education and knowledge that being fat equals ugly. Yet, once we wake up every morning and look out our windows, it seems blocked, like you woke up in the shade. Well, guess what – a fatty is standing in front of your window. Fatties come in both genders and some of them grow so immensely fat I can’t differentiate who the boy or girl is. No doubt I understand that sometimes it’s not the person’s fault that he/she is fat. It’s in the genes. But if you DO value your place in society and spend money on everything else except trying to go on a diet, I feel sorry for you. Not only do some fatties look ugly, they DRESS UGLY! While writing this, one fatty just waltzed past me, ever so ’gracefully’. Yeah, like real! Gracefully? Some advice to fatties planning the New Fat Order invasion – if you ever wanted people to call you ‘graceful’, then you’d better slap your fats and get working on that new diet plan that you’ve been postponing all this while! Move it fatsos! There are wide ranges of fatties – some are morbidly fat, some insanely fat and there are those who are so fat even I can’t find a word to describe them. Fatties are eye sores to the majority ok. Face it, those who admit to liking fatties lie man. Just like the 1% of men who say they don’t masturbate. Ok if they don’t, I say they are either eunuchs or they are born handicapped.

Let’s get back to the fat of the topic, haha, pun intended! Have you ever seen fatties endorse any kind of product? Zero right? Ok, Dove might have been a little desperate…Face it you fat slobs, even grannies get to endorse products like high calcium milk. Children who have bladder problems endorse diapers and celebrities who are fast losing their hair endorse hair rejuvenating tonics. Fatties? All they do is either eat more to solve their woes or they go shopping with their terrible dress sense and buy the most ridiculous pieces of clothing.

How over the top do they dress? Stand at the MRT platform and wait for the train. In a while, hordes of colorfully dressed fatties appear and start to mow down the average person in front of them with their immense weight by rushing into the train. These fatsos wear halter tops without realizing the damage being done. I mean, it’s perfectly ok if they suffocate to death, that way we average people won’t have to compete with another person with twice our lung capacity for God’s air. NO, the damage done instead is to our eyesight and our brains. We go cockeyed at the sight of poorly dressed fatties and our brain goes into a trauma and shuts down. They have tree stumps for legs, salamis for arms and potatoes for fingers. Cut them up and oil flows out instead of blood. Normal people let out gas when farting, fatties fart oil and stain their underwear.

There is a growing trend of fatties who start dressing like nympho Japanese schoolgirls. They think its super kawaii to be seen in those outfits.Yes, Gwen Stefani gets male hormones raging when she dresses like that. Fatties can have the stage to themselves should they ever contemplate performing in those outfits.

Some even have a taste for thongs!!

Sometimes fatties really go too far. At the gym, fatties always hog the treadmills by doing SLOW, I mean

S-L-O-W walks. A little jiggle of their thigh fats and ok, workout done, time to feast. Please, wake up and open the flaps of fat you pigs call eyelids and smell beyond the bak chor mee and char kway teow! You are going to have to work harder lose those pounds of lard. My god, yesterday I stood behind a fatty waiting for her to finish bouncing on the treadmill. After 30mins of shifting the fat, she finally got off, heavy breathing and all. IT WAS ONLY A WALK! HELLO! NOT THAT YOU RAN 20KM! Get used to this people, like I said earlier, fatties are here to stay and you better understand that!

Fatties also take up 2 seats wherever they go, be it the MRT or the public buses. They cause uneven wear and tear to a car’s suspension due to the weight focused only on one side of the car. Taxi drivers, watch out or your earnings will be spent on suspension repairs rather than diesel refills. Fat people go around blaming fast food outlets for their escalating obesity issues but fail to realize that it’s all up to them to stop eating and start working out! These fatties better watch out or soon they’ll be sharing the same cloud with Moses Lim by going the way of the dodo while I’ll be eating healthily to my own health. Don’t they realize they are the ones bringing down the image of their countries? Tourists come to Singapore expecting to see a green city free from litter and what do they see instead? Fatsos everywhere wolfing down whatever is in their hands. Next year’s National Day speech had better incorporate the obesity issue our country is facing. The Caucasians have genes which make them tall and huge compared to out Asian physiques. Not to worry, we Asians are catching up too, not in height but in size.

Yeah, fatties have made their point by putting the fat where it sizzles. Have you?