You corner me to say something like - oh how can you live that way. what way? i'm just living life the way it is, my way. it's been going on like this for 24 years already. You think I'm wrong with my pride? what's wrong with pride? sometimes pride makes you do stupid things. it makes us play ego fuelled games of one-upmanship against others who barely give a fish about who we are. the end results will always make yourself go down faster than a thai hooker. this hurts. not outside but inside. is it fate? fate that always pits you against me? fate that always tempts and teases me? but in the end fate just pulls the reality away from me.
But let me tell you I am justified. Look to my left and you'll see where I tried. Look to my right to see the crimes. Look through my past and you'll see all the lies I've lied. And thats why I'm justified. The light passes me by. all this while i have been trying to get this out of my head. I tried to wash myself clean. your soul has since then died in my heart. But let me tell you I am doing fine.
Look in my eyes, you'll see my life of crime. the crime of always having you at the back of my mind. it's been going on for well over 10 years. let me be at peace. let yourself be forgotten. you still look fine. very fine in my eyes. but its just like that. a glimpse, a tease, a tickle. then it's gone. i can't even get a hold of your shadow. it's as if a light has been cast and it has filled the darkness left by your shadow. lost. for now. i feel sorry. for myself. for always having this thought in my head. i always tell myself its a lost cause. my friends echo that thought too. somehow, i just have no real answer to this. truly, i have lost. i have lost the will to forget you.
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am i justified?

how come things go by so fast? i didnt even have time to blink and now the future is right here in front of me. busy? sure am. everybody is busy. sometimes when you want something so bad you never get it. then when you take things for granted, that something you wanted so bad in the first place just slips right through your fingers like fine grains of sand. the things you want break into a million pieces and just slowly fade away. memories also fade away after some time but if you try real hard to recollect, they come back. some others just fade away forever. clouds of sadness and gloom appear over the things you desire the most and always force you to look the other way. you never reach your destination. the road keeps getting longer and the skies grow darker each second. wake up, stretch and you might feel some comfort from the bad dream you had the night before. this dream never goes away, it remains inside the brain of ours always lurking. this dream might be good or bad. that depends on how good a person you are. what kind of conscience you have. flip a page and a new dream emerges. have you been here before. maybe yes and maybe no. thinking of a lot of things lately. at work and at home, things and thoughts return to make my head swirl in a never ending journey of questions. so many questions with no answers stuck to them. should i or should i not. can or cannot. why does the air smell funny. why am i doing what i'm doing. working life pays ok, but there are still things a person wants. no complicated things, simple things. some people take a lot for granted, like the ability to chew solid food. yes i do too. isnt it hypocritical of me, writing about what people take for granted? i dont know. do you? does anyone? this book had almost reached its final page. hold on tight. i'll hold on. should we start somewhere else? stay here, dont go and i'll go fetch a bookmark. actually we dont need to go far. if its real we'll make it through. how real is it? does it matter? if you stay you'll be left behind. i'll take my chances by staying behind for now.