RETARDED PEDESTRIANS, Posers and fake-uers, Skanks, Tarts and chicken pies

RETARDED PEDESTRIANS
Walking is healthy. In fact, I remembered not too long ago there was this keep fit campaign that told you to alight one bus stop earlier and walk home from there. This was supposed to promote walking as a healthy alternate way to keep fit. Ok, I did it. And I walked damn far too….just to keep fit and loose a few pounds. I crossed many roads to get home, jay walking across them many times. So did the aunties, uncles, school kids, maids, laborers, barbers, cats, dogs and even the handicapped bird. They all did it, causing other drivers to brake suddenly and swerve to avoid them. Last time I swore revenge at any driver who honked at me while I jay walked.

Now I perfectly understand it. Jaywalking is a way of life here for many Singaporeans. People jaywalk to see their girlfriends, go jogging and even to pick up that 10 cent coin across the road. The thing is, these jaywalkers are retards. Some jaywalk a mere 10 meters away from a zebra crossing. Seems like if babies had the strength in their arms, they would push their own prams across the road.

Heck care granny and the maid they say. Let’s learn to jay walk before I can even crawl they say!

Jay walkers are road hazards. There should be a law to jail and cane them for jay walking. Why? These ignorant retards simply cross with little regard, tempting fate and causing grief for other drivers. It’s fine if they have no care for their lives and want to end it quick, but think of the drivers who have to constantly be on the look out for these kamikaze pedestrians. Once drivers hit them, they claim everything from a chipped toenail to a lost strand of hair! Touch wood, if there is a fatality, who gets the blame? Even if the deceased had jay walked and this led to his/her death, the driver would be at fault for not keeping an eye out for the retards. The driver has to accept responsibility, live with regret and remorse and PAY for that idiot’s funeral? Feed that corpse to the pigs man! That retard deserved it! He/she wanted to tempt fate, so that day, fate won. What’s wrong with that?

Like what I said above about fatties, these porkers are slow on their feet due to the massive weight that they are. And yet they insist on jay walking, lumbering across 3 lane roads. Just drive along Orchard Road, see what I mean. These fatties could not even run to save their lives, what makes them think they can react fast enough to oncoming traffic. Unless they are built tough as tanks, I have nothing to say.

Posers and fake-uers

I support Liverpool. I own the jerseys. I don’t print players’ names behind it. I drive my family car. It’s a Subaru. I don’t make it out to be another brand. I am born in Singapore. I think most of us are too. I speak with a local slang, proudly filled with Singlish, with a capital ‘S’. Yah I’m proud of what I am and own. It used to be this way. Now, posers and fakers are popping up everywhere. Over the phone, you don’t know if you’re speaking to either a Caucasian, an African, or an Asian. Most people I’ve seen think the white skinned people are gods and their blood is blue. So true, sadly oh so true. At restaurants, the waiter with yellow skin, slit eyes and jet black hair asks if you’d like another glass of water, with an accent that sends chills down your spine. You shiver, questioning and pinching yourself. Is this a dream, are you in a Caucasian filled country? NO! reality bites and that waiter in front of you is just trying to sound high class. He obviously is ashamed of his own race, so he seeks to find acceptance by imitating other races. If he’s too poor for plastic surgery, all he can do is try and fake an ang moh accent. Hey, it’s free. So why not. I don’t get it. Are the ang mohs really above us? Even they get better treatment on board flights. It happens too, at shops. Asian shop keepers at Orchard road would rather tend to that albino couple first than face our ugly Asian faces. Go figure. Will people really look up to you more if you speak with an ang moh accent? Some vomit a whole speech of errors while trying to get your attention. I just feel sorry for the ethically confused person and stand there entertaining him, just to see if that person will finally find his true ethical roots. Not only that, posers are on the roads too. They drive family oriented cars and make them out to be rally bred road warriors.

Skanks, Tarts and chicken pies

Short skirts. Tube tops. All neon coloured. Super tight too. Fishnet stockings with 5 inch wedges? Look around. The youth community is flooded with these tarts. Or wannabe tarts. Either way, sweet young things known as little prepubescent girls just out of primary school are dressing as if the whole of Singapore was Geylang. They do this not only at night my friend. During 9-5 working hours, they appear out of nowhere, cat walking with a juggle in their skinny butts. Yah, if they had J-Lo’s ass of course, jiggle for all I care, if you’ve got it, flaunt it I say. Benefits the other sex of the Homo Sapiensm right? And what’s with the tube tops you pre puberty chicken pies? Face reality, you are not wearing that tube to its full potential. Save up or ask daddy for some money yah? But don’t bother Dr Woffles Wu lah….he’s busy injecting some self denying celebrity with botox. An alternative? Go to Bangkok and do it. The exchange rate’s pretty low now I think.
The only thing that’s keeping your tube from slipping off are your nipples. What’s up with that Mean Girls attitude too? Do skanks of the same undies flock together? The only thing you nymphomaniacs are doing is give more lau tikos more of an excuse to play chess at HDB void decks. The make up you lay on your face is as thick as cement you know! Clash into a wall and the make up cracks off, exposing your pimpled face. Yah, if you girls already have a pimple factory manufacturing pimple beards for you, what’s the use of covering it up? Be proud! Go round your estate without make up. The pimple factory needs air to work too you know. So quit making it work even harder! Go see a doctor or change your diets…..no wait, you people don’t even have diets. Your daily diet comprises a grain of rice for breakfast, a drop of gravy for lunch and a strand of noodles for dinner. You’re sick you anorexic freaks! First the skimpy clothes, then the ton of make up and finally, this eating disorder? YOU SICK SKINNY FREAKS!

FATTIES, UGLY 50+ AUNTIES, HYPOCRITIC CAT FEEDERS AND RETARDED JAY WALKERS.
These people make up the population of Singapore. If not for them, would your life be as exciting as it is now?

Without these people, would there be laughter in our lives? In the end, we need people like these to make fun of to pass time and let little kids decide who they want to be when they grow up.

Admit it, you laughed while reading it didn’t you. So you sinned too. It’s ok. Being happy is all that matters. Lots of people look at these otherworldly weight gainers and dressers and have good chuckle to themselves to relieve the stress of living and working in Singapore.

^THAT REALLY IS A

SCARY LOOKING SACK OF SHIT!

Cat feeders

Here kitty kitty….meow meow…please man….stop being hypocrites! I have enough around me and when I go home, more of you still want to appear in front of me! Yes, the topic now shifts to those damn cat feeding hags. Now, small kids and other people might see them as life saviors of poor homeless kittens left out in the cold without shelter over their skulls right? Ooohhh…the act of feeding these tiny furballs sure does soften one’s heart.

Not me! I mean come on, do you really expect us to believe that these ‘big hearted’ aunties actually want to take care of the kitten? All they want to do is pass their time, come down to void decks and feed stray cats! If they were the nature lovers that they are, why not take the cats from every void deck you find and bring them home. Do that. And when the cat shits, please clean up! No one likes to setp on cat shit after a hard day’s work. It’s very easy being human, feed the cats and leave after that. Who cleans up the shit? And the piss pools? The cleaners! So come on, cat feeding aunties of the heartlands who gather at the void decks to feed stray cats, do a good deed. A truthfully real good deed for once huh – take the cats home, all of them and rear them and nurse them to their death ok? Because I have seen enough fatties and badly dressed aunties already!

Disgusting

^^So true.

^^Super disgusting. Just disappear you fatso.

Dont judge a book by its cover? Don't bullshit man

some people say love is blind. is it? what if you looked like keira knightley? you would expect your other half to look like at least half or a third of brad pitt right? this is so true, no matter how you deny it. looks count for a part ok. if that person is obese, bald and has trouble walking due to her immense weight but she has a heart of gold under the fats, would you date her? would you even look at that thing in the first place? NO! dont kid yourself. the answer is a flat no! (notice i refer to women when i write about OBESE fatties. yah. cos these things irritate the life out of me.)

face it, if you went out with an obese fatty, not only would you have to lose more money by feeding her enormous appetite, you'd lose more FACE just by being seen with her! what if your friends saw her with you? they would go - eh, why you like that? desperate is it?

yah. some will feel angry reading this post. ask yourselves, do not be hypocrites. if you had to go out with a mammoth obese fatty who has such a heart of gold, of either gender, would you? just ask yourself yes or no. of course the answer is no.

some fat obese people still think they are ok and spend tons of cash on facials when they should be slimming down.

fatties who want to be accepted, face it. it's your body, take care of it. dont give excuses like it has to do with genes. just lose the fat you pigs. i have seen people drop from 130kg to around 78kg in 4 months. so do not say you cant. if you say that, you probably have fat for brains.

Typing

just wonder

- why do some people talk like they know so much about marriage over the radio? They cant even maintain a marriage and they talk as if they are married for a long time when in fact they are already divorced.

- why do some drivers wanna cut in front of other peoples vehicles? is it that good to show off? does that whore of a girlfriend beside them give them an extra boost of horsepower?

- why do bums gather at the void decks and make stupid chanting noises every night? wanna make noise go sign up for Live the Dream 2.

- why do some ladies dress until they look so 'glam'? they look as if they need to be driven to their workplace in a palace or something. in the end they flag down a bus and board it. why wear so nice? are they day time social escorts?

- shouldn' t obese people pay for 2 bus or MRT tickets since they already occupy 2 seats already?

- why do local radio DJs speak as if they were in America and the news anchors talk as if they were speaking to the Queen?

- does colin goh think his last page write ups in 8 Days are funny?

- why do fat, ugly people, who already attract the wrong attention still want to torture us by dressing in stupid ways? Ridiculous hairstyles, stupid punk clothing...

- why do people at a local TV Station all speak Cantonese, when they should be speaking English? Are they runners up for the Golden Horse awards?

- why do old and balding men like to spit and snort on the ground? is it an alternate way of expelling liquids since they cant get it up anymore elsewhere?

hmmmm

Some posters i made. Helps you see wider in life.

^^Some people just never learn. Think you're sexy? you're ugly as shit.

^^Good show. No arty farty shit. Just plain sex, action and violence

^^MASSIVE

^^attention seekers. wanna die just do it quietly right?

^^posers. strong in a group but chicken shit when alone.

UGLY AUNTIES

How many times have we seen women old enough to be our grandmothers dress as if they were a third of their age? Yeah, saggy boobs hiding behind neon bright blue tube tops. Or droopy thighs poking out from undersized mini skirts? The details are tough to swallow but this is the real world man! If these aunties looked like Demi Moore or Sharon Stone as they are now, I would gladly shut up and gawk. Sadly, this is Singapore and not Hollywood where plastic surgery is as common as chicken rice is here.

Aunties are everywhere, lurking behind the pillars of HDB void decks, ready to gross your eyes out with turkey necks which sag into their exposed cleavages. These old hags regularly flood the heartland malls and love taking the escalators. Why? SO THEY KNOW THAT WHATEVER IS UNDER THAT MINI SKIRT OF THEIRS WILL SHOW AND FRIGHTEN EVERYBODY AWAY!

They have Asian Afros, which are achieved by spending an entire afternoon in a hair saloon, also populated by badly dressed ugly aunties. Those auntie hairdressers are the worst of the lot. Stroll by any saloon and be amazed by the amount of 50+ year old flesh on display. Wrinkles, loose skin and stretch marks galore, these aunties simple live in their own paradise. They believe that they have found the elixir of youthfulness. Yah, like bottles of hair spray, tubes of facial cream, cartons of lipstick and tubs of hair dye are going to take the years away from them. Skimpy outfits aside, these aunties should really be ashamed of themselves, going to pick up their children after school in that get up. Hello! This is a school, not a getai stage! Crazy aunties, like fatties, have huge arms naturally. All they do is go past menopause, pile on the kilos and there you have it – bodybuilder sized arms. Not only that, they have so much loose skin it creates resistance when they walk , trapping air in the folds of the wrinkles. Ok, so that’s why aunties and fatties walk and jog so slowly. My bad, I should have seen this earlier. Ok, never too late to know.

Some of the aunties I’ve seen here are way past ridiculous. They wear body hugging back baring dresses, no joke man, and 3 inch high stilettos. My God! Don’t they know that the skin on their backs are so flabby and saggy that it needs a truckload of botex just to keep it from touching the ground? And they still defiantly wear bare back dresses! The flaps of skin under their arms is no longer taut. Out come the chicken wings. Oh yes, next time you see an auntie going sleeveless, look to the upper arms. Natural Singapore bred auntie wings of fat and tissue. If they were ever stuck on an island, no worries of starvation ladies, chew on your wings. Get fat, re-grow them and feast till you are rescued. And what is the obsession with skirts being 2 sizes smaller? Do they think that skirt’s a girdle? Do they expect it to hold their wrinkled tummies in? NO! The fat and loose skin simply spills out from the skirt! Now aunties become muffin tops. Don’t know what I mean? Go to a bakery, take a look at the muffins. Especially the top of the muffin, just before it reaches the edge of the paper wrap.

I read somewhere that after menopause, a woman’s body slowly starts to resemble a man’s. Take care of your body and this won’t happen. Some aunties simply let loose after child birth and pig out, increasing their waist line to the disgust of others. This habit follows into the period of post menopause……and they start looking like uncles of the same age. And this scares the shit out of us. Anyway, it’s their life, let them live it the way they like it. I’m ok with it. But stop giving me and other people SIGHT POLLUTION. I'm too young to go blind! It’s time to rid this country of overgrown fatties and ugly aunties. ONWARD WE MARCH, TILL THE FATSOS AND AUNTIES STAND NO MORE! ONWARD!! I love that last line.

FATTIES

There are fatties all around us. In the gym, at school, hell, it’s the invasion of the fatties. Yes people, the time has come for the whole world to experience a new type of order – New Fat Order. There was a time when being a fatty was considered royalty. Yes, royalty. Look up Wikipedia on the old kings and queens of Victorian England and you’ll see. Sacks of fat called kings and queens. Ok, so last time, health and nutrition never mixed. Fat parties and mass orgies did. That’s excusable. The people of that time were uncivilized barbarians who saw justice by imprisoning the poor and feeding the already filthy rich.

Fast forward to 2007. At least everyone is or has some form of education and knowledge that being fat equals ugly. Yet, once we wake up every morning and look out our windows, it seems blocked, like you woke up in the shade. Well, guess what – a fatty is standing in front of your window. Fatties come in both genders and some of them grow so immensely fat I can’t differentiate who the boy or girl is. No doubt I understand that sometimes it’s not the person’s fault that he/she is fat. It’s in the genes. But if you DO value your place in society and spend money on everything else except trying to go on a diet, I feel sorry for you. Not only do some fatties look ugly, they DRESS UGLY! While writing this, one fatty just waltzed past me, ever so ’gracefully’. Yeah, like real! Gracefully? Some advice to fatties planning the New Fat Order invasion – if you ever wanted people to call you ‘graceful’, then you’d better slap your fats and get working on that new diet plan that you’ve been postponing all this while! Move it fatsos! There are wide ranges of fatties – some are morbidly fat, some insanely fat and there are those who are so fat even I can’t find a word to describe them. Fatties are eye sores to the majority ok. Face it, those who admit to liking fatties lie man. Just like the 1% of men who say they don’t masturbate. Ok if they don’t, I say they are either eunuchs or they are born handicapped.

Let’s get back to the fat of the topic, haha, pun intended! Have you ever seen fatties endorse any kind of product? Zero right? Ok, Dove might have been a little desperate…Face it you fat slobs, even grannies get to endorse products like high calcium milk. Children who have bladder problems endorse diapers and celebrities who are fast losing their hair endorse hair rejuvenating tonics. Fatties? All they do is either eat more to solve their woes or they go shopping with their terrible dress sense and buy the most ridiculous pieces of clothing.

How over the top do they dress? Stand at the MRT platform and wait for the train. In a while, hordes of colorfully dressed fatties appear and start to mow down the average person in front of them with their immense weight by rushing into the train. These fatsos wear halter tops without realizing the damage being done. I mean, it’s perfectly ok if they suffocate to death, that way we average people won’t have to compete with another person with twice our lung capacity for God’s air. NO, the damage done instead is to our eyesight and our brains. We go cockeyed at the sight of poorly dressed fatties and our brain goes into a trauma and shuts down. They have tree stumps for legs, salamis for arms and potatoes for fingers. Cut them up and oil flows out instead of blood. Normal people let out gas when farting, fatties fart oil and stain their underwear.

There is a growing trend of fatties who start dressing like nympho Japanese schoolgirls. They think its super kawaii to be seen in those outfits.Yes, Gwen Stefani gets male hormones raging when she dresses like that. Fatties can have the stage to themselves should they ever contemplate performing in those outfits.

Some even have a taste for thongs!!

Sometimes fatties really go too far. At the gym, fatties always hog the treadmills by doing SLOW, I mean

S-L-O-W walks. A little jiggle of their thigh fats and ok, workout done, time to feast. Please, wake up and open the flaps of fat you pigs call eyelids and smell beyond the bak chor mee and char kway teow! You are going to have to work harder lose those pounds of lard. My god, yesterday I stood behind a fatty waiting for her to finish bouncing on the treadmill. After 30mins of shifting the fat, she finally got off, heavy breathing and all. IT WAS ONLY A WALK! HELLO! NOT THAT YOU RAN 20KM! Get used to this people, like I said earlier, fatties are here to stay and you better understand that!

Fatties also take up 2 seats wherever they go, be it the MRT or the public buses. They cause uneven wear and tear to a car’s suspension due to the weight focused only on one side of the car. Taxi drivers, watch out or your earnings will be spent on suspension repairs rather than diesel refills. Fat people go around blaming fast food outlets for their escalating obesity issues but fail to realize that it’s all up to them to stop eating and start working out! These fatties better watch out or soon they’ll be sharing the same cloud with Moses Lim by going the way of the dodo while I’ll be eating healthily to my own health. Don’t they realize they are the ones bringing down the image of their countries? Tourists come to Singapore expecting to see a green city free from litter and what do they see instead? Fatsos everywhere wolfing down whatever is in their hands. Next year’s National Day speech had better incorporate the obesity issue our country is facing. The Caucasians have genes which make them tall and huge compared to out Asian physiques. Not to worry, we Asians are catching up too, not in height but in size.

Yeah, fatties have made their point by putting the fat where it sizzles. Have you?