UGLY AUNTIES

How many times have we seen women old enough to be our grandmothers dress as if they were a third of their age? Yeah, saggy boobs hiding behind neon bright blue tube tops. Or droopy thighs poking out from undersized mini skirts? The details are tough to swallow but this is the real world man! If these aunties looked like Demi Moore or Sharon Stone as they are now, I would gladly shut up and gawk. Sadly, this is Singapore and not Hollywood where plastic surgery is as common as chicken rice is here.

Aunties are everywhere, lurking behind the pillars of HDB void decks, ready to gross your eyes out with turkey necks which sag into their exposed cleavages. These old hags regularly flood the heartland malls and love taking the escalators. Why? SO THEY KNOW THAT WHATEVER IS UNDER THAT MINI SKIRT OF THEIRS WILL SHOW AND FRIGHTEN EVERYBODY AWAY!

They have Asian Afros, which are achieved by spending an entire afternoon in a hair saloon, also populated by badly dressed ugly aunties. Those auntie hairdressers are the worst of the lot. Stroll by any saloon and be amazed by the amount of 50+ year old flesh on display. Wrinkles, loose skin and stretch marks galore, these aunties simple live in their own paradise. They believe that they have found the elixir of youthfulness. Yah, like bottles of hair spray, tubes of facial cream, cartons of lipstick and tubs of hair dye are going to take the years away from them. Skimpy outfits aside, these aunties should really be ashamed of themselves, going to pick up their children after school in that get up. Hello! This is a school, not a getai stage! Crazy aunties, like fatties, have huge arms naturally. All they do is go past menopause, pile on the kilos and there you have it – bodybuilder sized arms. Not only that, they have so much loose skin it creates resistance when they walk , trapping air in the folds of the wrinkles. Ok, so that’s why aunties and fatties walk and jog so slowly. My bad, I should have seen this earlier. Ok, never too late to know.

Some of the aunties I’ve seen here are way past ridiculous. They wear body hugging back baring dresses, no joke man, and 3 inch high stilettos. My God! Don’t they know that the skin on their backs are so flabby and saggy that it needs a truckload of botex just to keep it from touching the ground? And they still defiantly wear bare back dresses! The flaps of skin under their arms is no longer taut. Out come the chicken wings. Oh yes, next time you see an auntie going sleeveless, look to the upper arms. Natural Singapore bred auntie wings of fat and tissue. If they were ever stuck on an island, no worries of starvation ladies, chew on your wings. Get fat, re-grow them and feast till you are rescued. And what is the obsession with skirts being 2 sizes smaller? Do they think that skirt’s a girdle? Do they expect it to hold their wrinkled tummies in? NO! The fat and loose skin simply spills out from the skirt! Now aunties become muffin tops. Don’t know what I mean? Go to a bakery, take a look at the muffins. Especially the top of the muffin, just before it reaches the edge of the paper wrap.

I read somewhere that after menopause, a woman’s body slowly starts to resemble a man’s. Take care of your body and this won’t happen. Some aunties simply let loose after child birth and pig out, increasing their waist line to the disgust of others. This habit follows into the period of post menopause……and they start looking like uncles of the same age. And this scares the shit out of us. Anyway, it’s their life, let them live it the way they like it. I’m ok with it. But stop giving me and other people SIGHT POLLUTION. I'm too young to go blind! It’s time to rid this country of overgrown fatties and ugly aunties. ONWARD WE MARCH, TILL THE FATSOS AND AUNTIES STAND NO MORE! ONWARD!! I love that last line.