peace with the inner fiend in the mirror

a woman is like a diamond - she has to be cut to be beautiful.not hollywood beautiful, just look closer to home. mother. you'll agree that self sacrifice and suffering do somehow transfigure a woman and make her more beautiful. but when i first heard this expression, it was not the discussion of anything vaguely related to some shit like world peace or procreation. the person i heard talking, with a hint of irritation and defiance, was going on about plastic surgery.

the conversation went something like that - " i looked like a monster you know! it's like i was born with an 'F' on my beauty card. So what if i secretly wrote a 'D' over it?" demanded this woman. "some women are so ready to judge us because they feel like we're cheated. but you didn't know this: i cut through my own skin and bone, without resorting to magic tricks to become BEAUTIFUL!"

ok so this vain old auntie ( not the school auntie) goes on and on about being beautiful. but i felt something else. before you go saying that the auntie was just plain obsessed, tell me this: have you ever felt ugly before? have you ever looked in the mirror only to find a fiend staring back? i have. sometimes, for the longest time, i was convinced that i was one of the ugliest human beings ever to roam the earth. i had crooked teeth, my nose looked like what you would find in a kway chap bowl and my skin was so rough an ant would simply trip and fall while walking over it. i was a fiend.

if you ask me now what it was like to feel ugly, i'd say it's the most self effacing experience in the world. i would avoid looking into mirrors and places with reflective surfaces. i developed an allergic reaction to the camera because i did not want to leave any evidence behind. i almost totally avoided people.

last time, cosmetic enhancement was the reality for people in hollywood and korea. all i could do was maintain my self enforced exile, soaking in my own misery until i found a new bowl of misery to jump into.

today, everything can be fixed, for a bit of money. the average joe and jane can make a date with the surgeon and emerge looking like a million dollars. i think that our decade now holds the record for the most aesthetic procedures ever done.

this whole thing circles back to the conversation of that vain middle aged auntie. why would women cut themselves up? men sometimes but the topic was about a vain auntie first.

i thought about this issue, and last night, i looked at all the beautiful women backstage. i wondered if 20 years down the road, would any of them really step into the dark side? some have aged gracefully, the others are vibrant with youth, sparking intensely and lighting up the stage with their infinite amounts of charm. but this is all superficial. it's like the old saying - don't judge a book by its cover.

is this plastic movement a quest to find the other fabled counterpart? a partner of equal beauty but zero character? an apple ripe on the outside but rotten at the core?

NO! why? because if you gave me the best surgeons in the world and stylists - God Forbid! - i'm never going to take that route. i'm going to say the most damning thing just to get it out of the way - i love my kway chap ingredient nose, the hairs in it. i like my lopsided eyelids and i love my big face very much! i adore my high pitched 'GO LA! GO LA!' voice to bits. it sounds so sweet to the ears that listening to it excessively will give you diabetes. and if you think that's disgusting, i don't care man.

that being said, if you're still hell bent on following in the footsteps of that vain auntie due to the advancement of medical science to make up for nature's sloppiness, i won't presume to judge you either. i would rather have an apple core than a really red apple which is swollen with with maggots as a friend. all i have to say is this - at some point, all this is going to stop. you have to make peace with the fiend in the mirror. the truth has always been in the mirror since the day you first looked in it. and you're going to have to say "well, this IS me."
i know, because i have.

time

time passes really fast. really. im old. i feel old. i look old. no la those are just words of self pity. im handsome. im muscular. im tall. haha now i feel better. so i'll write something with more sense.

but really, time passes fast. the other week someone had her birthday. today, a fisher had his birthday. he was so happy with the present we got for him that he rushed home to enjoy it instead of having dinner with us.

i used to think that blogs were a waste of time. in year one, i did not even know what a blog was! wah lau, a real mountain uncle. yah, auntie you are right. i am an uncle. there are lots of things that i want to do. later then i say about those things again. im just typing now because i dont have any ideas for a piece of work now. the world is really spinning too fast man. soon, all these friends that i know will be enlisted and the othes will go off to work. contacts will be lost. why? i seem childish. some will say, in life you lose friends and make new ones. yah its true. i felt sad when i left primary school. those were some of the best years of my little life then. secondary school life was the worst phase of my life. in my previous i wrote about posers. i was one too, way back in secondary school. in a group of people, we seemed tough. invincible. until one incident made me realise what a real chicken shit i was at that time. everyone around me was affected. how affected? very affected. then the army called and i had to obey brother lee's law. in there, i really understood brotherhood. there was a code of honour. wah i talk like im in some gang, got code of honour some more. actually its got one la, but not to the extent of code of honor. i just adding those words for some seh only. you read also you laugh right?but brotherhood was real. it lasted almost 2 years with those brothers. you watch my back and i watch yours.that was a real experience. now i hear pre enlistes saying they want to fake an injury to escape the hardship? if you truly have this attitude, i feel sorry. anyway, those brothers are married with kids now and im still in school. so that proves im young! yay! poly life is also geat. tho it has not come to an end yet, it soon will. i made fisher friends here in poly. recently added some fishtresses to that list too. wah, i have typed so much already. better log off cos hamster at the top is getting real tired. let him eat his corn in peace.

WAH! THIS BLOG CAN AUTO SAVE WHAT I JUST WROTE! wah lau, i fell asleep and this page is still here 1 hr later. wah im really an uncle man. now type also can fall asleep. ok now i will post it!

i heard something today. something said by a person. this mirrors exactly what i heard a few months ago from another person. now it makes me wonder. is it better to be a little more of a bastard than who i am now? these people really hit the spot when they said that i am an idiot.
i really think so too. i sound emo, but im not emo. i just think that this is really confusing.

on one hand, the cards say that i should be who i am. am i helping people so that they wont get angry with me if i cross them in any way? is this a way to cover my backside?

the other deck of cards say that i should be a bastard sometimes. i see people in need of help and should i help them? no, cos others will see this as an opportunity and make use of me.

its so hard to see through the words that these people have told me. i sometimes really want to help to the best of my extent but if there is nothing i can do i will say i cant. super confusing, im killing my brain cells over this. its hard being human. maybe i should ask hamster what all this means. hamster is only a picture. he cant answer me except make he see how ridiculously cute he is chewing on that grain of corn.

nevermind, i think i'll take the alternative route and be more of the latter.
see how it goes.

before i forget, happy birthday to my friend, an old lady who just celebrated her 61st birthday.
happy birthday for 2008 and beyond!

LEOTARDS! Shread them la...

As the questions arise and the solutions beg no answers, that is where HAMSTER steps in.

Questions…..

Going to the gym is a good thing. It’s a good place to make friends but how many of us men go there to socialize? It’s the basketballs and volleyballs that we want to see unwrapped from their oh-too-tightly-bound covers. Bouncy and jiggly. Apple big big apple small small apple many sizes….Apple big big juicy juicy apple small small useless.

But as usual, There are distractions.

Some people go to the gym to annoy others. Their sole purpose in life is to annoy gym users with their constant bravery babble about which girl to conquer and which part of the body to tattoo. They talk like they own the law too. These medal of honour soldiers talk tough and look tough. Really? Come on man, it’s highly embarrassing to be caught with your pants down, but hey! YOU WERE GETTING IT ON WHEN YOU GOT CAUGHT! Instead, these puberty deprived steroid devourers go on and on about it. Truth is, it’s really scary to be involved in a police case, no matter how minor the case may seem. And while talking, they are busy flexing in front of the mirrors! Make up your minds you bravehearts. Do you want to conquer muff valley or just force your nipples through your singlets?

Another thing that annoys us are the branded people. These people go to a gym, yes, and all they do is stand in model poses while clad in the latest sports apparel. Huh? If you sport the look and build of Arnold Schwarzenegger, ok I shut up. But hey, face reality guys, you weigh little more than the hamster at the top of my blog. These anorexic people also crowd round the free weights section and always take on the heaviest of weights….don’t show off this way guys. Want to show off strength? Both mental and physical? Go make love to a pig that I know. After that session, if you get through it, I bow to you.

People….Red hairs especially…..not all, just some rotten eggs….

How come we are taught not to hate other races in school, but assholes from a country of presumably higher standards of education can do the opposite? Is there a thrill in taping a poor old man on video and making a big joke about it? Is it a triumph to laugh at old people? Not only do the red hairs do that, local people do that too. Why? Won’t you grow old too one day? For the three red hairs that did this, hooray yippie fucking do! You’re winners in your own context! “We were insensitive. Bullies? No!” NOT A BULLY?? Then why pick on an old man? Why not try this with local people along Geylang? You’re red hairs, you’ve got good genes which make you tower above everyone. Why pick on an old man making an honest living?

I really can’t stand it when foreigners come here and try to act like gods even though they are the minority. To bully a helpless old man and run off after not paying a cent is really pushing it. And there were 3 of you against him…yah, you’re heroes!

And the answers……

Completely no link……leotards are for FRENCH ARISTOCRATIC LOVING TWO FACED FAGGOTS and PIGS WITH FLAPS OF FATS FOR EYELIDS AND BAD STAMINA. Nobody likes them, everyone hates them.

Don’t wear leotards.

one fast car, 3 stupid people

just zoomed past me. even i try to catch up and see him also no use.

A story about the longevity threesome

life is short, enjoy it to the max. yah some people really take that phrase to heart man. lunch also want to eat 2 hours. why so long?. cos they want to enjoy life to the max! eat every grain of rice, drink every drop of soup.....maybe they want to make up for past wrong doings so they go about taking 1hr to order food.

a normal order goes like this
ME - auntie! chicken chop add egg.
Auntie - OK. eating here or ta bao?
Me -eat here.
conversation ends and auntie serves me the food. i walk away.

for the 3 people who want to live life to the max, an order goes like this -

LONGEVITY THREESOME - auntie, how are you? did you shit this morning? was it hard or soft? what colour? how you wash backside after that? use hose splash water or use toilet paper? after that got flush the shit down the toilet? blah blah blah

AUNTIE - eh....
so the longevity threesome goes about asking everything from why the earth is round to why a camera must have a battery in it to work BEFORE placing orders for 3 chicken chops.

Some people will ask why i'm writing this......Yah i tell you it's no fun waiting almost 3 hours for just a camera. and when you're hungry and pissed, nothing angers you more when you see 3 fully fed people stroll into the room. and they ask me, '' WAH YOU SO FAST?"
ok maybe i must learn to enjoy life to the fullest, but i'm not a uncle yet. i dont have a belly and my hair isnt white. i dont have erectile dysfunction and i sure as hell dont have to get up every half hour at night to piss.

so here's a life lesson. its ok to be pissed. some people fully deserve the wrath of our anger. but as people lower down the pecking order, we cant do a lot. if we raise our voices, one complain letter and we're fished.

so take a deep breath and say these words whenever your pissed -

HOUGANG, CANING, TAKE CUP/TAKE CLOTH, SMELLY, CHEESE PIE, LONG JOHN. LIFE JOURNAL.

BREAK THE PENCILS!, HIDE THE PAPER CLIPS AND STEAL THE MAGNETISM FROM THAT STUPID MAGNET!

RETARDED PEDESTRIANS, Posers and fake-uers, Skanks, Tarts and chicken pies

RETARDED PEDESTRIANS
Walking is healthy. In fact, I remembered not too long ago there was this keep fit campaign that told you to alight one bus stop earlier and walk home from there. This was supposed to promote walking as a healthy alternate way to keep fit. Ok, I did it. And I walked damn far too….just to keep fit and loose a few pounds. I crossed many roads to get home, jay walking across them many times. So did the aunties, uncles, school kids, maids, laborers, barbers, cats, dogs and even the handicapped bird. They all did it, causing other drivers to brake suddenly and swerve to avoid them. Last time I swore revenge at any driver who honked at me while I jay walked.

Now I perfectly understand it. Jaywalking is a way of life here for many Singaporeans. People jaywalk to see their girlfriends, go jogging and even to pick up that 10 cent coin across the road. The thing is, these jaywalkers are retards. Some jaywalk a mere 10 meters away from a zebra crossing. Seems like if babies had the strength in their arms, they would push their own prams across the road.

Heck care granny and the maid they say. Let’s learn to jay walk before I can even crawl they say!

Jay walkers are road hazards. There should be a law to jail and cane them for jay walking. Why? These ignorant retards simply cross with little regard, tempting fate and causing grief for other drivers. It’s fine if they have no care for their lives and want to end it quick, but think of the drivers who have to constantly be on the look out for these kamikaze pedestrians. Once drivers hit them, they claim everything from a chipped toenail to a lost strand of hair! Touch wood, if there is a fatality, who gets the blame? Even if the deceased had jay walked and this led to his/her death, the driver would be at fault for not keeping an eye out for the retards. The driver has to accept responsibility, live with regret and remorse and PAY for that idiot’s funeral? Feed that corpse to the pigs man! That retard deserved it! He/she wanted to tempt fate, so that day, fate won. What’s wrong with that?

Like what I said above about fatties, these porkers are slow on their feet due to the massive weight that they are. And yet they insist on jay walking, lumbering across 3 lane roads. Just drive along Orchard Road, see what I mean. These fatties could not even run to save their lives, what makes them think they can react fast enough to oncoming traffic. Unless they are built tough as tanks, I have nothing to say.

Posers and fake-uers

I support Liverpool. I own the jerseys. I don’t print players’ names behind it. I drive my family car. It’s a Subaru. I don’t make it out to be another brand. I am born in Singapore. I think most of us are too. I speak with a local slang, proudly filled with Singlish, with a capital ‘S’. Yah I’m proud of what I am and own. It used to be this way. Now, posers and fakers are popping up everywhere. Over the phone, you don’t know if you’re speaking to either a Caucasian, an African, or an Asian. Most people I’ve seen think the white skinned people are gods and their blood is blue. So true, sadly oh so true. At restaurants, the waiter with yellow skin, slit eyes and jet black hair asks if you’d like another glass of water, with an accent that sends chills down your spine. You shiver, questioning and pinching yourself. Is this a dream, are you in a Caucasian filled country? NO! reality bites and that waiter in front of you is just trying to sound high class. He obviously is ashamed of his own race, so he seeks to find acceptance by imitating other races. If he’s too poor for plastic surgery, all he can do is try and fake an ang moh accent. Hey, it’s free. So why not. I don’t get it. Are the ang mohs really above us? Even they get better treatment on board flights. It happens too, at shops. Asian shop keepers at Orchard road would rather tend to that albino couple first than face our ugly Asian faces. Go figure. Will people really look up to you more if you speak with an ang moh accent? Some vomit a whole speech of errors while trying to get your attention. I just feel sorry for the ethically confused person and stand there entertaining him, just to see if that person will finally find his true ethical roots. Not only that, posers are on the roads too. They drive family oriented cars and make them out to be rally bred road warriors.

Skanks, Tarts and chicken pies

Short skirts. Tube tops. All neon coloured. Super tight too. Fishnet stockings with 5 inch wedges? Look around. The youth community is flooded with these tarts. Or wannabe tarts. Either way, sweet young things known as little prepubescent girls just out of primary school are dressing as if the whole of Singapore was Geylang. They do this not only at night my friend. During 9-5 working hours, they appear out of nowhere, cat walking with a juggle in their skinny butts. Yah, if they had J-Lo’s ass of course, jiggle for all I care, if you’ve got it, flaunt it I say. Benefits the other sex of the Homo Sapiensm right? And what’s with the tube tops you pre puberty chicken pies? Face reality, you are not wearing that tube to its full potential. Save up or ask daddy for some money yah? But don’t bother Dr Woffles Wu lah….he’s busy injecting some self denying celebrity with botox. An alternative? Go to Bangkok and do it. The exchange rate’s pretty low now I think.
The only thing that’s keeping your tube from slipping off are your nipples. What’s up with that Mean Girls attitude too? Do skanks of the same undies flock together? The only thing you nymphomaniacs are doing is give more lau tikos more of an excuse to play chess at HDB void decks. The make up you lay on your face is as thick as cement you know! Clash into a wall and the make up cracks off, exposing your pimpled face. Yah, if you girls already have a pimple factory manufacturing pimple beards for you, what’s the use of covering it up? Be proud! Go round your estate without make up. The pimple factory needs air to work too you know. So quit making it work even harder! Go see a doctor or change your diets…..no wait, you people don’t even have diets. Your daily diet comprises a grain of rice for breakfast, a drop of gravy for lunch and a strand of noodles for dinner. You’re sick you anorexic freaks! First the skimpy clothes, then the ton of make up and finally, this eating disorder? YOU SICK SKINNY FREAKS!

FATTIES, UGLY 50+ AUNTIES, HYPOCRITIC CAT FEEDERS AND RETARDED JAY WALKERS.
These people make up the population of Singapore. If not for them, would your life be as exciting as it is now?

Without these people, would there be laughter in our lives? In the end, we need people like these to make fun of to pass time and let little kids decide who they want to be when they grow up.

Admit it, you laughed while reading it didn’t you. So you sinned too. It’s ok. Being happy is all that matters. Lots of people look at these otherworldly weight gainers and dressers and have good chuckle to themselves to relieve the stress of living and working in Singapore.

^THAT REALLY IS A

SCARY LOOKING SACK OF SHIT!

Cat feeders

Here kitty kitty….meow meow…please man….stop being hypocrites! I have enough around me and when I go home, more of you still want to appear in front of me! Yes, the topic now shifts to those damn cat feeding hags. Now, small kids and other people might see them as life saviors of poor homeless kittens left out in the cold without shelter over their skulls right? Ooohhh…the act of feeding these tiny furballs sure does soften one’s heart.

Not me! I mean come on, do you really expect us to believe that these ‘big hearted’ aunties actually want to take care of the kitten? All they want to do is pass their time, come down to void decks and feed stray cats! If they were the nature lovers that they are, why not take the cats from every void deck you find and bring them home. Do that. And when the cat shits, please clean up! No one likes to setp on cat shit after a hard day’s work. It’s very easy being human, feed the cats and leave after that. Who cleans up the shit? And the piss pools? The cleaners! So come on, cat feeding aunties of the heartlands who gather at the void decks to feed stray cats, do a good deed. A truthfully real good deed for once huh – take the cats home, all of them and rear them and nurse them to their death ok? Because I have seen enough fatties and badly dressed aunties already!

Disgusting

^^So true.

^^Super disgusting. Just disappear you fatso.

Dont judge a book by its cover? Don't bullshit man

some people say love is blind. is it? what if you looked like keira knightley? you would expect your other half to look like at least half or a third of brad pitt right? this is so true, no matter how you deny it. looks count for a part ok. if that person is obese, bald and has trouble walking due to her immense weight but she has a heart of gold under the fats, would you date her? would you even look at that thing in the first place? NO! dont kid yourself. the answer is a flat no! (notice i refer to women when i write about OBESE fatties. yah. cos these things irritate the life out of me.)

face it, if you went out with an obese fatty, not only would you have to lose more money by feeding her enormous appetite, you'd lose more FACE just by being seen with her! what if your friends saw her with you? they would go - eh, why you like that? desperate is it?

yah. some will feel angry reading this post. ask yourselves, do not be hypocrites. if you had to go out with a mammoth obese fatty who has such a heart of gold, of either gender, would you? just ask yourself yes or no. of course the answer is no.

some fat obese people still think they are ok and spend tons of cash on facials when they should be slimming down.

fatties who want to be accepted, face it. it's your body, take care of it. dont give excuses like it has to do with genes. just lose the fat you pigs. i have seen people drop from 130kg to around 78kg in 4 months. so do not say you cant. if you say that, you probably have fat for brains.

Typing

just wonder

- why do some people talk like they know so much about marriage over the radio? They cant even maintain a marriage and they talk as if they are married for a long time when in fact they are already divorced.

- why do some drivers wanna cut in front of other peoples vehicles? is it that good to show off? does that whore of a girlfriend beside them give them an extra boost of horsepower?

- why do bums gather at the void decks and make stupid chanting noises every night? wanna make noise go sign up for Live the Dream 2.

- why do some ladies dress until they look so 'glam'? they look as if they need to be driven to their workplace in a palace or something. in the end they flag down a bus and board it. why wear so nice? are they day time social escorts?

- shouldn' t obese people pay for 2 bus or MRT tickets since they already occupy 2 seats already?

- why do local radio DJs speak as if they were in America and the news anchors talk as if they were speaking to the Queen?

- does colin goh think his last page write ups in 8 Days are funny?

- why do fat, ugly people, who already attract the wrong attention still want to torture us by dressing in stupid ways? Ridiculous hairstyles, stupid punk clothing...

- why do people at a local TV Station all speak Cantonese, when they should be speaking English? Are they runners up for the Golden Horse awards?

- why do old and balding men like to spit and snort on the ground? is it an alternate way of expelling liquids since they cant get it up anymore elsewhere?

hmmmm

Some posters i made. Helps you see wider in life.

^^Some people just never learn. Think you're sexy? you're ugly as shit.

^^Good show. No arty farty shit. Just plain sex, action and violence

^^MASSIVE

^^attention seekers. wanna die just do it quietly right?

^^posers. strong in a group but chicken shit when alone.

UGLY AUNTIES

How many times have we seen women old enough to be our grandmothers dress as if they were a third of their age? Yeah, saggy boobs hiding behind neon bright blue tube tops. Or droopy thighs poking out from undersized mini skirts? The details are tough to swallow but this is the real world man! If these aunties looked like Demi Moore or Sharon Stone as they are now, I would gladly shut up and gawk. Sadly, this is Singapore and not Hollywood where plastic surgery is as common as chicken rice is here.

Aunties are everywhere, lurking behind the pillars of HDB void decks, ready to gross your eyes out with turkey necks which sag into their exposed cleavages. These old hags regularly flood the heartland malls and love taking the escalators. Why? SO THEY KNOW THAT WHATEVER IS UNDER THAT MINI SKIRT OF THEIRS WILL SHOW AND FRIGHTEN EVERYBODY AWAY!

They have Asian Afros, which are achieved by spending an entire afternoon in a hair saloon, also populated by badly dressed ugly aunties. Those auntie hairdressers are the worst of the lot. Stroll by any saloon and be amazed by the amount of 50+ year old flesh on display. Wrinkles, loose skin and stretch marks galore, these aunties simple live in their own paradise. They believe that they have found the elixir of youthfulness. Yah, like bottles of hair spray, tubes of facial cream, cartons of lipstick and tubs of hair dye are going to take the years away from them. Skimpy outfits aside, these aunties should really be ashamed of themselves, going to pick up their children after school in that get up. Hello! This is a school, not a getai stage! Crazy aunties, like fatties, have huge arms naturally. All they do is go past menopause, pile on the kilos and there you have it – bodybuilder sized arms. Not only that, they have so much loose skin it creates resistance when they walk , trapping air in the folds of the wrinkles. Ok, so that’s why aunties and fatties walk and jog so slowly. My bad, I should have seen this earlier. Ok, never too late to know.

Some of the aunties I’ve seen here are way past ridiculous. They wear body hugging back baring dresses, no joke man, and 3 inch high stilettos. My God! Don’t they know that the skin on their backs are so flabby and saggy that it needs a truckload of botex just to keep it from touching the ground? And they still defiantly wear bare back dresses! The flaps of skin under their arms is no longer taut. Out come the chicken wings. Oh yes, next time you see an auntie going sleeveless, look to the upper arms. Natural Singapore bred auntie wings of fat and tissue. If they were ever stuck on an island, no worries of starvation ladies, chew on your wings. Get fat, re-grow them and feast till you are rescued. And what is the obsession with skirts being 2 sizes smaller? Do they think that skirt’s a girdle? Do they expect it to hold their wrinkled tummies in? NO! The fat and loose skin simply spills out from the skirt! Now aunties become muffin tops. Don’t know what I mean? Go to a bakery, take a look at the muffins. Especially the top of the muffin, just before it reaches the edge of the paper wrap.

I read somewhere that after menopause, a woman’s body slowly starts to resemble a man’s. Take care of your body and this won’t happen. Some aunties simply let loose after child birth and pig out, increasing their waist line to the disgust of others. This habit follows into the period of post menopause……and they start looking like uncles of the same age. And this scares the shit out of us. Anyway, it’s their life, let them live it the way they like it. I’m ok with it. But stop giving me and other people SIGHT POLLUTION. I'm too young to go blind! It’s time to rid this country of overgrown fatties and ugly aunties. ONWARD WE MARCH, TILL THE FATSOS AND AUNTIES STAND NO MORE! ONWARD!! I love that last line.

FATTIES

There are fatties all around us. In the gym, at school, hell, it’s the invasion of the fatties. Yes people, the time has come for the whole world to experience a new type of order – New Fat Order. There was a time when being a fatty was considered royalty. Yes, royalty. Look up Wikipedia on the old kings and queens of Victorian England and you’ll see. Sacks of fat called kings and queens. Ok, so last time, health and nutrition never mixed. Fat parties and mass orgies did. That’s excusable. The people of that time were uncivilized barbarians who saw justice by imprisoning the poor and feeding the already filthy rich.

Fast forward to 2007. At least everyone is or has some form of education and knowledge that being fat equals ugly. Yet, once we wake up every morning and look out our windows, it seems blocked, like you woke up in the shade. Well, guess what – a fatty is standing in front of your window. Fatties come in both genders and some of them grow so immensely fat I can’t differentiate who the boy or girl is. No doubt I understand that sometimes it’s not the person’s fault that he/she is fat. It’s in the genes. But if you DO value your place in society and spend money on everything else except trying to go on a diet, I feel sorry for you. Not only do some fatties look ugly, they DRESS UGLY! While writing this, one fatty just waltzed past me, ever so ’gracefully’. Yeah, like real! Gracefully? Some advice to fatties planning the New Fat Order invasion – if you ever wanted people to call you ‘graceful’, then you’d better slap your fats and get working on that new diet plan that you’ve been postponing all this while! Move it fatsos! There are wide ranges of fatties – some are morbidly fat, some insanely fat and there are those who are so fat even I can’t find a word to describe them. Fatties are eye sores to the majority ok. Face it, those who admit to liking fatties lie man. Just like the 1% of men who say they don’t masturbate. Ok if they don’t, I say they are either eunuchs or they are born handicapped.

Let’s get back to the fat of the topic, haha, pun intended! Have you ever seen fatties endorse any kind of product? Zero right? Ok, Dove might have been a little desperate…Face it you fat slobs, even grannies get to endorse products like high calcium milk. Children who have bladder problems endorse diapers and celebrities who are fast losing their hair endorse hair rejuvenating tonics. Fatties? All they do is either eat more to solve their woes or they go shopping with their terrible dress sense and buy the most ridiculous pieces of clothing.

How over the top do they dress? Stand at the MRT platform and wait for the train. In a while, hordes of colorfully dressed fatties appear and start to mow down the average person in front of them with their immense weight by rushing into the train. These fatsos wear halter tops without realizing the damage being done. I mean, it’s perfectly ok if they suffocate to death, that way we average people won’t have to compete with another person with twice our lung capacity for God’s air. NO, the damage done instead is to our eyesight and our brains. We go cockeyed at the sight of poorly dressed fatties and our brain goes into a trauma and shuts down. They have tree stumps for legs, salamis for arms and potatoes for fingers. Cut them up and oil flows out instead of blood. Normal people let out gas when farting, fatties fart oil and stain their underwear.

There is a growing trend of fatties who start dressing like nympho Japanese schoolgirls. They think its super kawaii to be seen in those outfits.Yes, Gwen Stefani gets male hormones raging when she dresses like that. Fatties can have the stage to themselves should they ever contemplate performing in those outfits.

Some even have a taste for thongs!!

Sometimes fatties really go too far. At the gym, fatties always hog the treadmills by doing SLOW, I mean

S-L-O-W walks. A little jiggle of their thigh fats and ok, workout done, time to feast. Please, wake up and open the flaps of fat you pigs call eyelids and smell beyond the bak chor mee and char kway teow! You are going to have to work harder lose those pounds of lard. My god, yesterday I stood behind a fatty waiting for her to finish bouncing on the treadmill. After 30mins of shifting the fat, she finally got off, heavy breathing and all. IT WAS ONLY A WALK! HELLO! NOT THAT YOU RAN 20KM! Get used to this people, like I said earlier, fatties are here to stay and you better understand that!

Fatties also take up 2 seats wherever they go, be it the MRT or the public buses. They cause uneven wear and tear to a car’s suspension due to the weight focused only on one side of the car. Taxi drivers, watch out or your earnings will be spent on suspension repairs rather than diesel refills. Fat people go around blaming fast food outlets for their escalating obesity issues but fail to realize that it’s all up to them to stop eating and start working out! These fatties better watch out or soon they’ll be sharing the same cloud with Moses Lim by going the way of the dodo while I’ll be eating healthily to my own health. Don’t they realize they are the ones bringing down the image of their countries? Tourists come to Singapore expecting to see a green city free from litter and what do they see instead? Fatsos everywhere wolfing down whatever is in their hands. Next year’s National Day speech had better incorporate the obesity issue our country is facing. The Caucasians have genes which make them tall and huge compared to out Asian physiques. Not to worry, we Asians are catching up too, not in height but in size.

Yeah, fatties have made their point by putting the fat where it sizzles. Have you?

BEST DAY!

This is a very nice car!

I have this 2 toys now. The Robocop and ED 209 are made by Hot Toys. The sculpting is very good.